What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 02:38
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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She found it foreign!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I think the readers, may guess!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What happen if all of a sudden a movie star decides to quit acting?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why do so many autistic adults deal with self-hatred?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So, i spoilt her more .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Comes on , in middle age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Put me off passion for life!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
It was going to be , some day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But, we were locked up after school.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot live in the past .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She wouldn,t have been !
So whats the point in blame.
She was in good health!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I will be 64.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were not on the streets..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im still living with it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She loved him until the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He knew the spot.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I said to her
She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I have no regrets .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My life is so biszare .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I waited trembling.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I write beautiful poetry .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.